Man I love college..

Well, I know that you all are thinking "Where in Gods name has this chick been?"
To answer your question, I the day after my last post I moved in with my first love Cody, we moved in, everything was perfect. Our days were like living out my dream. 
His alarm would go off at 6 in the morning and as always he kept sleeping until I rolled over, shut off the alarm and kissed him gently to wake him up, he got up god dressed while I layed in bed and watched his routine as he got ready. I would slowly drift off to sleep and then come kiss me before he walked out the door and I rolled over and fell back into my dreams.
Then around noon I would wake up and throw on some decent clothes so our room mates would not see me in my boyfriend only appropriate pajamas, brushed my teeth and began to clean the bedroom. Make the bed, put away the clothes he left scattered around the bedroom and then went out to clean up the house. Go out, make sure I paid the bills he left sitting on the bedside table, then settle down and watch movies until that time ran by I had left to spare, clean up some more to make everything look more clean, got in the shower, went and put on some nice clothes, do my makeup and hair so that way my man had a nice clean house to come home to, and a pretty girl to look at, then start dinner. Once he drove into the driveway and I ran to greet my love at the door and we settled down to enjoy our time together, eat dinner then head off to bed<3 I was happy being Susie Q house wife. 
Until everything came crashing down...


One day he came home and told me his deployment got bumped up to 3 months sooner, so we dealt with the pain and moved on and enjoyed the rest of the night with our best friends, we drank and had fun like always until he went to the back with his friend and came out two hours later (by this time it was nearly 5 in the morning and me and his friends girlfriend were very, very intoxicated) When I went to the back to talk to him and see why he had been gone for hours he told me that the Marines changed him, he was cold and had no heart with no heart to love me. We went on in tears talking for hours until we fell asleep. By the time I woke up with only 2 hours of drunk sleep and an awful hangover he said he would drive me to my parents and we were done...


So now that I have moved back home I have not been in much of a great mood to write until now. Its been a new weeks and I have cried my tears and moved on. But now for the good news.
My break up was quite depressing and had me locked away for months crieing and trying to figure out where I went wrong, so I decided I would simply not take this pain anymore. 
The heart is a fragile thing and in the second of a heart beat it can turn your world into a masochistic place of darkness, living in such darkness can change you. It can do one of two things, turn you into a black hole of emptiness, or it can change you and make you open your eyes that it is not everything. Love is not something that can let you ruin your life. It's amazing how you can change once you realize that love is not what you should focus your life on.


So I chose to let it change me, I am not going to let love run my life. It is amazing to have your heart held by a man and feel loved for the rest of your life, but its also great knowing that you will be on your own without needing a man. I am now accepted and enrolled into college, training in Phlabodomy and and EKG Tech  I am moving into my own place. Love has run my life for way to long and it is time for me to set up my own path and stop following the path that a man wants to me.
I am my own person, I have my own life to live and I do not need to let some man who claims to love me telling me what I should do with my life. 


This is my choice, and I will not let someone else tell me what to do, where to go, how to live. 

Letter to my mom;; Happy mothers day

My darling Mommy(:

Having a mother like you while I slowly grew up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. I know I am no where near done growing, and you aren't quite done teaching me either. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that has kept me strong in all my journeys. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I am starting to like and one day be proud of. Thank you for letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be, do whatever we wanted to do, there were no limitations except our drive, ambition and creativity. Mothers day is a day to honor your mother, to let her know that you love her, and mommy I love you so dearly. Having this time to be gone has made me miss you so much, we fight. Truth is that when God made me you were his muse.We are way to much alike to not fight. You put two bulls in a room there gonna butt heads, and us davis's surely are bulls. I sincerly want to say thank you..

Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey.

Thank you for reading, before I ever began to write, I read. You taught me that reading is a world of its own, a world with beautiful words and true emotion and thats how I found my own world of writing.

Thank you for taking such great care of me, the countless cold rags and hair massages I have recieved over the many years of awful pain.. You always knew exactlty what to do even when I swore up and down I was going to die from pain.

Thank you for hair, and your body figure, for the softness of your skin. I know I am always saying how mad I am at you for giving me your skin complection and hair.. Blah blah blah. But I thank God he gave me features that always mirrored my mommy. I love that I am beautiful, and I know I am beautiful now because you showed me that beauty is more than skin deep.

Thank you for taking me to the chiropracter even though he was total bull, you would do and try anything if it made me better.

Thank you for buying me new pajamas and a stuffed animal the night before my ear surgery, i loved Gabriel (:

Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have any for myself.

Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more, you knew I was stronger then I was letting on.

Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period, when I shut every one out of my life. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love.

Thank you for watching me dance, that was such a beautiful passion for the both of us, I don't think there was one ballet show or lyrical competition you didn't cry at.

Thank you for giving me your strength, you are one of the strongest, inspiring, awestruckingly amazing woman on Gods green earth and I am so beayond lucky to have you here for me.

Thank you for mediating in the relationship with me and Callie, I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that comes between us. Thank you for never taking sides, for being there for both of us equally, for being the perfect mother.

Thank you for reminding me my older brother will always be there even when I feel like hes a million miles away.

Thank you for giving me the relationship I had with Papaw, I embraced that bond with him because I could see in your eyes as he got sicker that you were your daddy's baby girl, and I wanted to love him the way you do. And I did love Papaw like that.

Thank you for cornering me into reading at Papaws funeral.. It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. As I was talking about our football games I lost it, then I looked up at you.. You made me strong mommy. You gave me everything I needed that day.

Thank you for driving to Marietta to see a quack head doctor and wait for seven hours watching crazy people, I miss going to see him, I miss that time I had with you.

Thank you for telling me to embrace my "Dark Streak." You were the one who told me that a dark streak isn't bad, as long as you use it in a way that soothes your soul.

Thank you for coming and getting me from school, and Tinas, and Marys, and God knows where else because I had a migraine.

Thank you for putting me in cheerleading after dance, even though it was an epic fail.

Thank you for never giving up on me and thinking that I can go far in life.

Thank you for taking me to every single doctor appointment I have ever had, even now that I'm 18 (:

Thank you for making me take those pictures with Callie, I'm glad you finally put up a picture of me on the mantel, it made me happy.

Thank you for taking my late-rebelion bullshit, I know its a few years overdue but I'm just a girl, whos growing to be an amazing woman one day.

Thank you for being there for me, when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with depression. You never gave up and just let me go on psycho pills, you knew I could beat it without them.

Thank you for calling me before papaw passed, I was so mad I wasn't there and couldn't talk to him one last time, but I was so glad that my mommy called to tell me, and make sure that I was okay.

Thank you for the late night tv spats over text messages(: They always made me laugh.

Thank you for the countless years of devotion and exspenses so that I could persue my dreams and talents of being a dancer, you gave me that outlet. You planted that amazing dream of a balerina in my head and It made my life so much sweeter to know you were there with pink roses after every show.

Thank you for loving us all the same, and taking in Mary Margaret, she loves you just as much as I do.

Thank you for getting me butcher block after I got dehydrated, it was super yummy.

Thank you for supporting my memorial for papaw, I was scared to put it up in the upstairs room because I didn't want to hurt you, but I knew you were strong, and I knew you had the grace to look at it with pride.

Thank you for being my good luck charm, my muse, my hero, my savior, my therapist, my chauffeur, my cook, my best friend, my nurse, my life.

Thank you for helping me embrace my love for helping people, you always believed my heart was meant for helping wether its senior citizens or children, you knew I had a gift to help people and I think I inherited that gift from you.

Thank you for trying your hardest to show me that you can be really sick and still fight the fight, a disability is a disabilty but you can over come it, I know its going to be a long hard journey to get where I want to be in life and being sick has not helped me take a single step in this journey, but you made me believe I could be different, I could go somewhere and still be sick. I will NEVER let my neurological problems become an excuse because you have not made it your excuse. You fight the fight and taught me to as well.

Thank you for understanding how I feel to be sick, your the ONLY person in the world who knows what I am going through and can understand and realize that sometimes its just to much. You are my only shoulder to lean on when my health gets rough, and your the only one I want to lean on, you are the only one I trust to take care of me.

Thank you for letting me sleep on the pull out bed, britts floor, callies floor, the couch, even the guest room.

Thank you for always buying us cute candies at walmart in the seasonal section, I feel like in ten years when I have a family I will be strolling down that isle quite often picing up Hip-Hop easter marshmellows. Tradition,ya know(:

Thank you for always taking my hand and guiding me in the right direction, you never let go and thats a hard task to acomplish with a harddeaded Davis like me huh (theres some hard headed West in there though no doubt)

Thank you for accepting me for a lost and seamingly dark person, but in a beautiful way.

Thank you for understanding that I am not Callie, I cannot be that beautiful. I am not Getty, I cannot have that much love in my heart, I am not Brittin, I will never have his wit.. You accepted me for Caitlyn, a passionate, caring, soft being.

Thank you for making me feel beautiful, for making me strong. For giving me hope. And teaching me to love.

Thank you for moving at Papaws funeral.. That meant the absolute world to me when you got up and made Daddy move. I have never been more happy in my life until you sat down beside me and took my hand because in the two seconds it took you to do that, it gave me a million miles of courage to get up there and speak in Papaws honor. In that second, you gave me all of your love and hope and strength, you made that possiblem, and if you hadn't came to me, I don't think, in fact I know  I would NOT have made it through. It was like that sypothetic (even though you swear you aren't) mommy instinct came out and you touched my hand and every single bit of the power and strength inside you was trasnfered from your touch to mine, because you knew I needed it. Thank you for that Mommy, that was the best thing you could have ever done for me..

Thank you for taking my hand and leading me into a big scary world, and never letting go. You have showed me a lot in these short eighteen ALMOST nineteen years.. You have taught me more than any public school system have ever could, you showed me how to love other people, and then love myself. You showed me that family is abond that last forever, even when times get rough. You made me realize that there has to be alight at the end of the tunnel at somepoint, and even if its just a flickering candle, you can't turn back because success is so, so close.. You have been here for me even when I didn't deserve to have you here for me.

Thank you from taking me to a broken catterpillar into a beautiful, growing, sincere butterfly, you made me someone I would want to be in life. If I could give ANYTHING to not work, not have to seperate my time and just be a mother and do my family right the way you have done yours very right.. You are who I want to be when I grow up, and I'm getting close to being there, but I'm not there yet so don't cry.

Mommy I love you more than my heart can express, you have given me more than I could have ever asked for from a mom. You have taken the best and the worst of times and made them into memorys and jokes to laugh about. You are the most important person in the world to me, your my mommy, and I am your first born girl. I heared you tell Carrie one day that you were blessed to have a family like ours.Your wrong. I'm blessed to have been raised by someone with so much love to give and so much hope for the word family.. You are more than just a mom to me you really are my best friend. I am so lucky to have been taught by your way's. You have blessed what use to be a broken sad road, and made it into a beautiful, hopeful, soon to be successful road.. Thank you mommy, I love you as much as all the stars and moons in the sky, your my hero<3

Baby play me that song again..The song about you coming home.

They say that love only comes by once, but I don't believe that. I think that when you love someone you truly can fall in and out of love, there are just some things that are to tough, to much to handle. When the relationship effects you in a bad way then its time to leave, and so I did..
Four years ago I met my first love, although we tried our hardest we were to young, to immature, and to unstable in our own minds to try and involve another person in our crazy worlds. Friends was a good word for us, but safety nets is a better word. We were right there to catch each other, whenever one of us felt broken, we relied on each other to put the pieces back together.. And so on we did just that for almost 5 years. Falling and catching each other over and over then watching while they ended up in someone else's arms.
We found our own loves, both were in stable relationships for nearly two years and eventually realized that there were more negative consequences in the long run than positive.. We fell, broken, and came running back to each other again.. With a difference, this is time we actually tried to make things work, and they are.
Now I know you all don't want to hear my sappy "we lost each other and years later fell right back in love" story, but this truly is what love should feel like.
When you love someone you should not be faking happiness, you should not lie to people and say that everything is fine when its not. Love is not controlling, it is not over bearing. Love is not about making your partner feel worse about themselves. You can love someone completely and sincerely cannot be with them, I love you if your reading this, 143 doesn't change, I just need to do whats best for me. What we had was wrong, this is right...
This is love, sacrificing your bad habits, waiting while he goes to serve his country, being faithful, being honest, being true because when you love someone you have to find happiness in not only him but yourself, and when love is strong they can make you truly happy, and I am that now.
I have fallen back in love with my first true love, he is a United States Marine and leaving soon to go serve. I am proud, and fearful for my baby. That being said I know that this is his dream, and he is living the life he talked about countless times as we grew up together. I am amazed by you baby, your going to come home and I know when you do I will be laying in our bed together with you again every night. Baby when you get home we will be ten times more perfect then we already are, no more fear, no more worries. You make me strong and as hard as it will be while your gone I know I'll be surrounded by you everyday when I go home, and that there will be people there who remind me of you constantly. I will sleep in your shirt each night, just like I do now, I'll be strong while I wait because you taught me how to be strong my sweet Marine. You make me feel real, you give me hope. You give me that small spark in my heart that doesn't burn me down, but lifts me up. Makes me feel every single bit of emotion I have for you deep inside my heart. Baby you make me feel safe, loved, protected, strong, free... I am never as happy as I am when I fall asleep beside you and wake up on the other side of the bed, and your still beside me with your arms around me. I love the way you never let me walk outside at night so you know nobody fucks with me, I love the way you fight me for the Ipod in the truck, I just love you baby, I love you. People stare when we say we love each other, they think its crazy since we have technically have not been together long, but we have been loving each other nearly 5 years baby, and I would not trade our past for anything because they taught us how to be in a relationship the wrong ways, and we learned from our mistakes what to not do. You make me feel like I did freshman year and you turn me into the girl I was, that sad part of me has disappeared and I don't know how you did it but maybe my "Magic" is contagious, either that or my lucky cigarette does work <3 

Baby boy, you have to have beliefs?

Personally I believe that dark writing is also something that makes it beautiful, its real, its heartfelt. It tells the story that we as a humans are to afraid to tell.
I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you learned from them and less to do with the number of birthdays celebrated.

That two people can look at one thing and see something totally different. That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I believe that just because two people argue, doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, doesn’t mean they do.

That you can keep going long after you think you can’t. That it isn’t always good enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. That even when you think you have no more to give when a friend cries out to you, you’ll find the strength to help.

I believe either you control your attitude or it controls you. That know matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief. That you should always leave the people you love with loving words it may be the last time you see or talk to them.

I believe that hero’s are those who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences. That you can do something and in an instant it can give you heartache for life. That no matter how good a friend is they’re going to hurt you every once in awhile and you must forgive them even if you think you can’t.

That the ones you expected to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up. I believe that sometimes I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t have me the right to be cruel. That we don’t have to change friends to understand friends change. That you shouldn’t be so eager to find secrets, it could change your life forever.

That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you or by people you don’t even know. And I believe that its taking a long time to become the person I want to be.
I also believe that its all worth it in the end..

So maybe I'm a masochist..

I have no words, I am a broken soul with tattered tears and mangled smiles. My life has stopped spinning in the direction it was born to spin in a changed to a way that is dark and cold... I am nothing without you, is that why I feel dead? Like my motions are merely that just motions? I have no emotion, I have no strength.Without you I am weak and shattered..

Obama needs a new speach writer..

Today president Obama made a speech notifying the country of the long awaited death of Osama Bin Laden, as much as I did not want Obama running our country, and as badly as I believe he needs a new speech writer. I do believe that this was the right path to go by for the United States of American, Osama was a mass serial killer, he has changed the lives of thousands upon thousands of family's. Soldiers lives were taken, children lost there mommy's and daddy's because some foreign psycho path decided that he was treated unfairly by the united states government and planned some scheme to get us back. This war is a war started in vein and should have never been started. As stated before I am not for Obama but I am all for peace an success as a country.
This could go one or two ways, this can come back to bite us in our ass and within a week we could be swarmed in nuclear gasses, or this could be something that can help our country, bring us closer, bring our family members home and finally after ten long dark sad years filled with blood and hatred, after watching our country's upcoming generation have to watch a world with so much bitterness and death... We can finally take in a deep breath of relief.
For our country's sake I pray to God that this will all help us instead of hurt us, I will close my eyes each night and hope for a deep sigh of strength and unity for our country, because the lord knows we need it, he cries at night as he watches what his beautiful creation is turning to.

And this is so hard, cause you were the love of my life and it kills me..

Everything we are told in our lives are just series of lies, when you say you love someone you are meant to protect them and as a female I expect to be protected by the one I love. It makes my heart wrench to realize that people are out there only saving themself,but when you say all these magical things about love, doesn't that mean you have to save not only yourself from dangers of every kind, you save your other half as well.
Whatever happened to the men who never let anyone hurt or talk about the love of there life, the ones who care more about how they are then what there doing, the men who will take a bullet for you...I miss them, with those men the world seemed safer and you knew that no matter what he would never let anything happen to you.
It just seems to hurt when you realize that you were never being taken care of, the intent was there but never really came through.. Sometimes love doesn't make all things possible.

The once beautiful skies that shined with love and drew the heat of the romance through there bright rays of light have faded. The night is once again still and dark, there are no hopeful stars, the moon doesn't seem as beautiful and the night air never felt more lonely.
The once beautiful light that your eyes gave off has stopped glittering, there red from tears and the makeup he once thought was beautiful is smeared across my pale face, this truly is the most painful thing I have ever had to do,my heart doesn't beat as fast and this mind numbing pain is starting to get worse, I want to open my arms and want you to come home, the walls and sheets feel empty without you, this kills me because I feel so betrayed, the nights are long and cold, but I know its time to go.  I love you more than the stars and the moon, you make me whole, now I am nothing. You took all of me, I am a ghost now, I have no purpose, just a ghost with a broken heart and shattered soul. Don't forget me, I love you. 143.

I still say your name when I talk in my sleep..

Sometimes we get so lost in all the chaos of everything going on, that we forget to use our emotions, and we go with what people tell us to do instead of what our hearts tell us to do.
I have forgotten what it feels like to hurt like this, I forgot that stabbing pain we get in our chest when we have to walk away from someone that we don't want to walk away from. The awful numbness we surround ourselves with and the walls we build up after something happens that tears your heart up.. God how badly I want to just say "I love you and I still need you..."

Your a lover, I'm a runner..

My name is Caitlyn Becca, I am a young lady going somewhere in this big scary world. I have been writing what seems like my whole life, I use the freehand verses as my way of telling the world who I am and how I feel. Its a passion, a outlet and a beautiful one at that. I feel like I am watching this giant big screen and my life is the starring movie. So I have started "Write with love" as my way to use the voice I have been hiding and write how I feel. This blog is my voice that has been to silent for to long.
I have a story and a idea of the way this world spins and I am ready to shine and show people that when you have the heart to do something you find a way, its a long hard road for everyone and each turn is another plan, another chance to go further in your life. I want people to read my thoughts and find a better hopeful day inspired by the idea of a better world through a different perspective.
I want to inspire others, the way that I have been inspired, so welcome to my life.